First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
