i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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