3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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