He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need to calm my uterus...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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