I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
