R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
