hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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