my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
