I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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