there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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