I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
