he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
