believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
