this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
