Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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