cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
