Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
