I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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