I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
