Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My life is pants optional.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
