You can't motorboat a personality
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
