I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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