I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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