The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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