i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
