she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
