Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
