I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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