He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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