he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
