I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
