piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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