you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
