My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
