is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
