I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
