Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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