this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
