She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
