saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
