Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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