This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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