he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
