well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
