You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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