How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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