My cat gives me a boner
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
