this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she told me i tasted like america
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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