Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
God, I missed his penis.
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