escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
