The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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