You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We have so much sex to catch up on
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
