Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
